This Self-Proclaimed ‘Former Gentrifier’ was Himself Gentrified Out and Needs a Home

Posted on: June 26th, 2015 at 5:00 am by
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One self-proclaimed gentrifier in Nolita is himself being pushed out of the neighborhood. In an “urgent” plea posted to Craigslist, the anonymous resident seeks refuge in a better housing situation. The mainstream clarion call was listed under the “apts wanted” section of the classifieds.

“When I arrived in New York City, the proud owner of a liberal arts degree and a boarding school education, I was confident that no one could displace me,” the anonymous apartment hunter notes.

Wishful thinking, apparently. The building was reportedly sold off, and “the new owners seem surprisingly unreceptive to my concerns about the (many-hundreds-of-dollars) rent increase they’ve proposed.”

We are told that the building in question is 55 Spring Street. The four-story tenement (home of Ceci Cela) was reportedly purchased by the Renatus Group, a real estate firm that focuses on the “acquisition of performing and non-performing commercial real estate loans.” However, public records have yet to show the transaction.

Anyway, this prospective tenant showers regularly and knows the mundane, such as “Whether the ‘good’ fats in avocado and coconut oil are necessary for the absorption of nutrients in kale and other cruciferious vegetables.”

So, why not give it a try?

Below is the full text of the pitch:

When I arrived in New York City, the proud owner of a liberal arts degree and a boarding school education, I was confident that no one could displace me. Sure, I’d heard rumors that people with whom I had no mutual friends use to live here, but that was a long time ago–probably even before the Chop’t opened on Spring and Lafayette.

And yet, it seems the unthinkable has happened!

After several wonderful years in Nolita–an area which, as far I can tell, has always been home to fourth-year financial industry employees looking to brush shoulders with European tourists while they walk past boutiques on their way home to an apartment which overlooks the former murder scene of some Italian immigrant–my building has been sold, and the new owners seem surprisingly unreceptive to my concerns about the (many-hundreds-of-dollars) rent increase they’ve proposed.

And so I’m asking sincerely for someone to come to my aid. Happy to live with either a guy or girl, so who is looking for a roommate? Who has a beautiful, unused bedroom, and wouldn’t mind making some extra money each month while also enjoying the pleasure of the company of the person who thought this ad might be funny?

I shower regularly, dress in inoffensive but recognizable styles, have heard that episode of This American Life, and am well-versed in a range of conversation topics such as:

–Whether the “good” fats in avocado and coconut oil are necessary for the absorption of nutrients in kale and other cruciferious vegetables
–Efficacy of various Hinge opening lines
–Ashtanga Primary Series
–Merits of Jason Siegel’s depiction of David Foster Wallace
–Jack’s Wife Frieda or Café Gitane?
–The latest NYC think-piece from Zadie Smith
–Does every Lord Huron song actually sound the same?

Nuts and Bolts:

My lease ends: July 31
Would love to stay in/around: Nolita, LES, Chinatown

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